Something has to change
Instead of getting to take my birthday off on Friday, as I'd loosely intended, I ended up in work and plugging away at work I don't care about. Granted, most people reading this could say much the same thing. I'm not claiming any special misery, but life's as subjective an experience as it gets and the contents of my own trick-or-treat bag are going to matter the most to me.
While I've had worse weeks overall in all aspects of my life, this was a battering week. By the end I could barely think. Lacking the bruises and bone breaks, I nonetheless felt as if I'd taken strong blows to the head all week. By Friday night I felt as if I was having some 'Mountain' Rivera moments. The world shifted between dazed, fuzziness and flashes of crystal clarity, with discontinuities between in which for all that I was aware I may as well not have existed. A little scary that, considering that I was driving around for part of that. I'd be lying if I said I didn't find some comfort in the splashes of oblivion. No, I'm not suicidal, but the urge to find deep, dark shadows to fade into is stronger than ever. I realize the vast majority of people on Earth have far less than I do, with much more to complain about, but "it could be much worse" can only sustain a person for so long. Life without hope finds me briefly prizing trivial things in compensation. Gimmicks and gimgaws to fill the void or to create life in miniature. A tabletop toy game of a life.
Changes are coming, but I'm not welcoming the ones I see. Yes, that's intentionally cryptic. No, it's not a prelude to suicide. Changes are simply coming for me as part of the plans of others.
Once more, I'm not looking for advice. I'm just venting.
People of Faith in particular are invited to keep their counsel to themselves. As I once told a born-again Christian friend I view any such potential turn in my life as a cancerous one. Much as with a verified diagnosis of Alzheimer's, any turn towards a Life In Christ would be something I'd feel moved to react to strongly while reason still held some sway; that would be cause to step off a cliff. We all have to go eventually, and I'd rather choose to go with some dignity than end up like that.
I may end up deleting this post (as I have some others, for various reasons) , but for the moment I felt a need to write it.
Now, though, I need to go see someone while there's still time.
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