(Originally posted for a few hours Sunday night, I kicked it back into the Drafts folder when I woke up a little after 1:30 Monday morning, unsure if this was more than I wanted - or even had a right to - share with strangers. Hoping that it's not a decision I'll come to regret I've decided to re-publish it, changing the date and time to tonight rather than just burying it.)A Saturday trip to my mom's - a long-overdue visit and an errand to take care of a minor repair for her and my brother - also let me verify something. She's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
I'd suspected it, and we'd gotten some near-diagnoses on this before, but now it's confirmed.
An insidious killer, it destroys all you were long before it disposes of the shell. Since at least some of what we are is the memories in the minds of friends and loved ones, it'll be destroying parts of us, too.
She's on medication for it - which I've begun to look into. I've tried to impress upon her that anxiety is only going to simulate more of the symptoms, but that's easy advice to give.
She has someone there with her and others close nearby, but I'll need to stay available and vigilant, too.
I'll make a point of keeping in more regular contact and of visiting more often. Getting them set up with a computer and net access, two things we've talked about from time to time over too long a time, will have its pitfalls, but it'll make keeping lines of communication open easier, allow my brother more access to info, and might - just might - give her something else to keep her mind active. I know it'll be the source of considerable headaches, too, but I have to do what I can.
As with too many other things in my life the situation's far more complicated than I am going to go into here. To even claim that this will give the larger family something to circle the wagons around wouldn't be true; that move would, in some instances, be akin to sending smoke signals to the apaches. (No offense intended to anyone's ancestry -- I'm speaking in out of date pop references here.)
Little more to say on it now. As with too much else in time it has the weird feel of tar and grease. Sometimes it feels as if everything's moving very slowly, and all events to come are far off - a struggle to even reach for. A moment later, it seems, I find that I've slipped past the intervening hours, days and more, time and opportunity lost in a blur.
Obviously I've debated on whether or not to even post this much, but I wanted to provide a little fuller picture of what's shambling around in my mind. Whether this will help put other problems into perspective or lead me all the faster to a breaking point, well, that's in a future chapter. If it's the former you'll likely see evidence of it here, if the latter, well...
For now, though, I'm going to do something else, however trivial, because if I don't all I'll want to do is sleep.
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Comments
I wish I had something to say at this point, except my heart goes out to you and yours.
I understand completely, finding myself often in that spot. What is there to say about something like this?
This is one of those posts I obviously wish I didn't have the inspiration to write, and which was written with little to no specific reason in mind.
Just remember to take care of yourself through all this. This disease is hard on the family.
My best to you.
J.
As we've discussed at length some time ago, my ex-fil had some issues along these lines and it is, indeed, very difficult to watch the deterioration. I know you will do the best you can and I hope you can come to grips with your human limitations as you do.
My best to you and yours, Mr. Norton. And again, I wish you all the strength and peace you need to get through this. Here if and when you need me. Always. Well...maybe tomorrow...after this chest cold loosens its' grip a little more...;)
Get well!